Yes, I've been neglecting my blog, but for good reason. I've been working on my next book 1001 Questions To Ask Before Having A Baby! After trying to cram research, interviews and writing while posting updates on various sites and conducting couple workshops I decided that something had to give. That something is my blog- temporarily. I'll still be tweeting @1001Questions_ and posting on Facebook on the 1001 Questions To Ask Before You Get Married page, so we can still keep in touch.

I'm excited about this new project and have discovered fascinating studies about parenthood and relationships. I'll be tweeting links to the articles and other golden nuggets, so don't delay in joining me as this project evolves.

Jesus and Elvis remembered

Elvis memorial at Las Vegas Hilton

Flying into McCarren I noticed someone had decorated a large empty filed by moving the dirt and rocks around, and adding some paint to write the name Jesus. It was large enough to be visible thousands of feet up in the air. 

Rolling my bag into the Hilton Hotel, I noticed flowers, notes and candles were placed at the foot of the Elvis statue, which greets visitors to place where he married, performed and lived decades ago.

What compels a person to write the name of someone who lived two thousand years ago?  Someone with whom they never met in person shared text rants or spoken with by phone? What did Elvis have that inspires people, who surely never met, or shared a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich with the man, to commemorate his death annually for the past 32 years?

Yes, there are parallels: Both men came from meager beginnings, grew up to be called “King”, were known for their choice in clothing, and both made spectacular comebacks.  But, it’s their generosity that set them apart, and ultimately lead to their early deaths. One for trying to help others, the other for his inability to say no to the chemical “help” offered by others.

This leads to the week’s question for couples:

How do you think you and your partner will be eulogized? What qualities do you think you or your partner posses that will make you memorable?

Carrie Bradshaw life-swap

Dreaming of a life-swap with Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw? According to Parade Magazine’s Pop Culture survey, the neurotic New Yorker took the top spot with 43% of women clamoring to walk in her Manolo’s for a day. Let’s see now, these women chose to live like the woman who, led on a perfectly decent man (Aiden) pathetically wearing his engagement ring around her neck instead of her finger, managed her finances so poorly that she risked becoming homeless had it not been for the charity of a friend, and became a home-wreaker chasing after a man (Mr. Big) that deemed her good enough to bed, but not wed. Yes, they did get married later, but not until he married someone else, committed adultery, divorced, and humiliated the enviable Ms. Bradshaw by spectacularly jilting her at the alter. What a catch.

Television has a way of glamorizing lives no matter how horrific. Done right and smartly cast (think Johnny Depp) a show could have you sympathizing with Jack the Ripper. Need I mention Showtime's series Dexter?  I’m sure the movie Titanic caused some dreamers to wish they could go back in time and sign up for voyage. 

Orson Wells’ infamous broadcast of War of the Worlds taught us years ago that many people can’t see the line between fact and fantasy. With reality programming becoming the norm, the line has become close to invisible.

I’m sure if the Carrie wanna-bes’ could actually live the columnist’s life for a day they would find it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.  The next 24 hours would probably involve stressing over a deadline, fighting the urge to smoke, worrying whether the spark with Mr. Big has waned, and trying to find time to meet with her friends who are all “too crazy busy” to make time for lunch. Personally, I’d rather spend 24 hours doing yard work.

Which leads to this week’s questions for couples:

• Do you or your partner fantasize about living someone else’s life with out knowing all the details? Are either of you attracted to a lifestyle seen on TV that, once taken off the screen isn’t as attractive?

D'oh!

I had arrived at the airport with plenty of time to catch my flight, but I was fidgeting and grumbling out loud, waiting for the glacially slow security line to move.  I scanned the crowd, eyes squinting, trying to pick the nitwit that showed up with a pocket full of metal, a lost boarding pass or enough family accessories to fill a daycare center and put the brakes on my rush to go sit down by the gate and wait for more than an hour for my flight to begin boarding.

“Supervisor check on number 7!” barked the TSA agent. No doubt, I chose the line with the over enthusiastic new hire studying every curling iron X-ray to see if had the potential of causing more destruction besides split ends.  “Who owns the red bag?” yelled the supervisor, fist on her hip. It was mine. I was scolded like a school-girl for trying to bring a bottle of wine in my carry-on. I was then escorted out of the area in front of all those whom I had glared at only moments ago.

In all honesty, I had completely forgotten about the commemorative Elvis Presley Cabernet (obviously I was in Vegas and feeling appropriately kitschy). It was a gift for the hubby and because I packed it days earlier, wrapped in a tee shirt, it was out of sight and out of mind.
Nonetheless, I was the dunce I had been looking to fire brand with my eyeballs. It’s easy to whine and complain about the shortcomings of others, but when we’re at fault, we have to get creative and think up excuses. 

Which brings me to the question of the week for couples:

Describe a moment when you had to make a difficult apology. If you’ve never had to do so, why do you think you’ve been spared?

Sleeping in separate beds

Sweet, solitary dreams

Any spouse that travels regularly knows the feeling; having the whole bed to your self. The cool sheets and unlimited space are so welcoming. You feel like you’re resting in 400-count heaven. All the pillows are yours, and you can pile on the blankets or push them aside. It all so delicious. Ten minutes pass, then fifteen. Your eyes open, and you realize you can’t fall asleep. Despite lying in the lap of luxury, there’s one thing missing: A body.  Not just any body, of course, but the warm physical presence of your husband (or wife).

When I advise couples trying to cope with a bad breakup, I often ask if they miss the person or the habit.  When you’re in love and have been together long enough, it’s both.

I spent a weekend in New York with my mother (Dh couldn’t go). We shared a room with two separate, queen sized beds. I fell asleep and woke up just like I do at home, on the left side of the bed never venturing past the center meridian.  Mom, on the other hand, was spread out like a starfish diagonally taking up more space than air. “Didn’t you find it hard to sleep without Pa?” I asked.  “Oh sure” she said. Well, it certainly didn’t show, or maybe she sleeps that way with my dad? I quickly shook my head before I got a visual. Perhaps things change after 50 years of marriage. I don’t know; but I’ll tell you once I get there.

Question of the week for couples: Are you expecting your sleeping habits to change or did they change once you started sharing a bed with your partner?

Sorry, you're not all that

On a spur of the moment, I had my waist length hair cut. The stylist gushed saying I was so beautiful, my eyes so green. What was he supposed to say, “You’re a dog; get out of my chair”? Snip, snip ten inches off and more than year’s worth of growth gone in seconds.  When done he exuberantly squealed, “You’re so gorgeous,  like the cool mom everyone would love to have!”. Bomb. Excuse me, mom? Did he just say “mom’ as in mother, matriarch or matron? Could I be a,….a,…MILF? I don’t even have kids!  I was stunned. I have no problem getting older, or at least I don’t think I do, but this was the first time anyone threw my demographic in my face. 

As much as we hate to admit it, there always seems to be a disconnect between who we think we are and how others really perceive us. You may recall the 40-year-old executive I wrote about earlier, who had affairs with women barely over the legal drinking age.  He may have believed it made him look and feel younger, but I’m sure none of his young gazelles would ever consider him a contemporary. No doubt we’ve all met the  “undiscovered star” who believes she deserves a  million dollar recording deal, but will more likely have people pay to not hear her sing.  There are, however, more subtle forms of delusion, like the dad that gets a Mohawk thinking it will make him cool in his kid’s eyes, or using colored contacts and thinking they look natural.

Which leads to the question of the week for couples: Would you tell your partner that people don’t agree with their self-perception? Would you like your partner to tell you “Sorry, but you’re not all that”? If so, how would you take the news?

The rap on bad gift givers

As the author of 1001 Questions To Ask Before You Get Married, it’s my hope to suggest scenarios that increase awareness of subjects and challenge assumptions of how best to deal with them.  So, let me tell a little story that ends, not with a conclusion or moral lesson, but a question.

Straight to the point, my husband told me that I’m a bad gift giver. It was his birthday and I apparently gave him a proverbial lump of coal. I wasn’t surprised; I didn’t stand a chance. This is a man who does research before buying a pair of shoes, and I’m not talking about comparison-shopping. He inquires about the item’s country of origin, material composition and the hand to machine labor ratio.  The man knows his stuff, and it shows. He looks gorgeous. I shop Forever 21 and impulsively buy shoes that were probably a tire in an earlier life.

If shopping skills warranted diplomas, I would hold a GED to his Ph.D.

So, this past week, when he unwrapped and tried on his new organic-cotton henley (which didn’t fit by the way) and found out that I preferred we go shopping together for his “real” gift instead of surprising him with an item he would reject (Exhibit 1: The henley) he was visibly and audibly disappointed. I was accused of not making an effort.  It was then, that I was branded the ego debilitating title of Bad Gift Giver.

We all have a BGG in our social and family networks. Some are truly thoughtless, like the people who re-gift the bonus shot glasses without the tequila or pass on the corporate gift basket despite your allergy to nuts. For whatever reasons, your gift is low on their list of priorities, and it shows. Then there are the generous BGGs. You feel the love and see the generosity, but you can’t stand the gift. These people bake you a beautiful cake in a flavor you don’t like, or give you an expensive knick-knack that will just take up room in a drawer. Yes, you’ve always loved cashmere, just not with gnome appliqués. Perhaps gift giving is a talent like dancing or singing. In other words, you either have “it” or you don’t. This leads to the question of the week:

Could you spend the rest of your life with an incurable Bad Gift Giver?  If so, how would you cope?

visit www.1001questionstoask.com

Men and manicures

In a scene from Mad Men, star ad man Don Draper recoils at the thought of getting a manicure. The founder’s son and part-owner of the firm quickly sets him straight by saying that his father, one of the most rugged men he’s ever know in his life, would get a manicure every week. Once a week may be too much, but I firmly believe a man should get his nails done, at the very least, every time he gets a haircut.

All men are aware of the multitude of reasons why they should sport well tended digits - professional appearance, infection prevention through cuticle care, the socially awkward appearance of man-talons or worse, the unintended scratching of an innocent bystander.  The most compelling reason, of course, is sex -as in the opposite sex.    

When polled, women consistently say the hands are one of the first things they notice when meeting a man for the first time. A friend confessed that she found hair on the back of men’s hands sexy.  My sister used to say she could never marry a man who came home with dirt under his nails. 

For a woman, a man tells the story of his life through his hands - rough life, rough hands; soft hands, soft life.  Even Scarlet O’Hara’s cover of living the highlife was blown the moment Rhett held her ungloved hands.

I’ll never forget the brief moment a colleague held my shoulder to keep me from getting bumped by someone passing. In the brief moment his rough, calloused hand touched my shoulder I sensed a boy who played outdoors, built forts, went camping, played high school football and fixed cars on the weekend.  Although he’s now in management and spends his days in a suit and tie, his hands said his position was never a given. 

Touch being the most intimate of gestures, wouldn’t a man want to put his best hand forward when stroking the arm (or other limb) of a blazin babe?  Why risk killing the romance of holding hands by poking your partner with an assaulting hangnail?

Traditional barbershops of decades past would routinely offer manicure services.  I’d like to know who’s responsible for killing off this service. I’ll bet it was the nail biters. Whatever the reason, I’m on a crusade to make the service ubiquitous to men everywhere.  Hopefully I’ll succeed. I’m keeping my manicured fingers crossed.

Affair guilt

I travel alone regularly and there are a few certainties that occur on each of these trips.  The first two are that I won’t eat well, too much junk food, or sleep well, too accustomed to my husbands body taking up most the mattress. Next, is that I’ll be privy to an adulterous confession.

The men out number the women, but that’s not to say the women participate any less.  Each story is different, some are passionate, most are pitiful, all are predictable.

I’m no longer surprised how quickly men spew out the details of their affairs.  They never boast; they bemoan.  Ralph (of course not his real name) shook his head,  “I have a mistress because my father had a mistress, and I’m sure my uncles all had mistresses.  It’s what you did to show you were a man” Maintaining his woman for over twenty years made him feel both guilty and stuck.  “She never made a life for herself” he claimed, “ She never married or had children because of me.”  Now that he’s older, and less energetic and pressed to prove his manhood, he wants out of his time-share.  “I wish she would just go away.”

Most men think their wives aren’t aware of their affairs.  When faced with the low probability that twenty years of funneling money to a secret girlfriend would go unnoticed, Ralph agreed that maybe his wife had her suspicions.  A look of sorrow suddenly overtook his face. I’m not sure if it was over the thought of the pain he was causing his wife by his betrayal, or her perceived indifference over his actions.

Jeremy (ditto with the phony name) clutched two hands full of hair as he wailed that he was a sick man.  His addiction to younger women, he repeatedly stressed, had nothing to do with his wife.  “I love my wife, but when I’m with a younger woman, I am younger.”  But he wasn’t.  He was still 42 years old, and contrary to what his ego would like to believe, just another unremarkable client, which uncovered another certainty:

Whether through sex, drugs, alcohol, or plastic surgery, it’s easier to pay, than to face reality. 

Women who love psychopaths

Charles Manson still gets love letters, prison guards braced for the onslaught of groupies for Timothy McVeigh, and there’s prestige in loving a “lifer” as opposed to a man who’s merely serving limited time in prison.

Who are these women and what could they possibly find attractive in a person that has caused so much misery?  The gruesome news about the abduction of 11-year-old Jaycee Dugard by Phillip and Nancy Garrido had many asking who are these monsters.  An equally compelling question asks what kind of woman agrees to be the wife and accomplice to a man who conducts such horrors.

Multiple theories try to explain a woman’s attraction to a person the majority of the population considers disturbed.  Reasons such as the catchall low self-esteem, a rebellious adrenaline fix, or feeling like the sole savior of a man the rest of the world simply doesn’t understand, could all apply.

Even if all those theories could explain how a woman could assist and condone the kidnapping, enslavement and rape of a child, then the abuse of her subsequent children, we certainly don’t feel any better about the crimes committed, nor more sympathy towards the perpetrators.

 Even more despicable is the thought that the crime couldn’t have been prevented. There was no lack of oversight on the registered sex offender, ex-con, (although the depth of the oversight turned out to be the Achilles heel in this case).  There were multiple visits from parole officers and a call to 911 from a concerned neighbor.  Phillip’s own mother resided in the house, although it’s not clear whether she was aware of the girls living in the back yard.  Even if the Garrido’s prison correspondence and marriage had been banned, Phillip could have simply have found a different accomplice once paroled.

Had it not been for a manager of special events for the UC Berkley Police Department who felt suspicious about the robotic responses of two very pale, drably dressed young girls, the abduction case may have remained unsolved.

Perhaps the question of how this crime could have been prevented or arrested earlier, should be replaced with two unnerving questions:  How sharp are our radars to suspicious behavior, and if we suspect something is wrong, are the authorities we would normally notify be the best to turn to for help?